The Topic Every Youth Pastor Knows They Should Address
Relationships and dating might be the most asked-about topic in youth ministry that’s most often handled awkwardly. Either you go full purity culture with a list of rules, or you go so light on the topic to avoid controversy that you say almost nothing, or you deliver a carefully balanced theological treatise that connects with approximately zero teenagers.
None of those work. What works is honest, theologically grounded, practically relevant conversation that takes teenagers seriously as people who have real feelings and real relational lives right now.
This lesson doesn’t start with a list of prohibitions. It starts with the question your students are actually asking: what does a healthy relationship actually look like, and how do I know if what I’m experiencing is that?
Lesson Overview
Target Age: High school (with adjustments, upper middle school)
Estimated Time: 50–65 minutes
Group Size: Small group or breakout from large group
Materials Needed: Bibles, whiteboard or large paper, markers
The Big Idea
Every relationship you have is a place where you either grow in love or shrink from it — and the Bible has a lot to say about which direction you’re going.
Scripture Anchor
Primary Text: 1 Corinthians 13:4–7 (NIV)
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
Supporting Texts:
- Song of Songs 2:7 — “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.”
- 1 Thessalonians 4:3–6 — “It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable.”
- Ruth 1:16–17 — Loyalty and commitment in a non-romantic relationship (Ruth and Naomi) as a model of covenant love.
- Proverbs 4:23 — “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”
Connect: Opening Exercise (10 minutes)
Ask students to think of a relationship — any relationship, not necessarily romantic: a friendship, a family relationship, a past or current dating relationship. Don’t ask them to share who it is.
Then ask them to rate that relationship on these four questions, on a scale of 1–10:
- How safe do I feel being fully honest in this relationship?
- How much does this relationship bring out the best in me?
- How often do I feel drained versus energized after spending time with this person?
- Do I feel more like myself, or like a version of myself I perform, around this person?
They don’t share the numbers — just sit with them. Then ask the group: what do you think those four questions are measuring? What makes a relationship healthy?
This grounds the conversation in felt experience rather than abstract rules before the Scripture does the framing.
Dig: Into the Text (12–15 minutes)
Read 1 Corinthians 13:4–7 together. This is one of the most familiar passages in Scripture — which means you have to do some work to make it land fresh.
- “This passage is usually read at weddings. But Paul wrote it to a church community about how they should treat each other, not about romantic love specifically. What does that tell you about what love is — is it primarily a feeling or a practice?”
- “Look at the list. Which of these comes most naturally to you in relationships? Which is hardest?”
- “‘It is not self-seeking.’ What does a self-seeking relationship look like? Have you experienced that from someone, or in yourself?”
- Read Proverbs 4:23. “Guard your heart, because everything flows from it. What does it mean to guard your heart in a relationship without shutting down or being emotionally unavailable?”
- Read Song of Songs 2:7. “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires — this phrase appears three times in Song of Songs. What do you think the wisdom is behind it?”
Big Idea: Teaching Segment (7–10 minutes)
Here’s a reframe worth spending time on: the question of relationships in the Christian life is not primarily “what am I allowed to do?” It’s “what does love actually look like, and am I growing toward it?”
1 Corinthians 13 describes love as a set of practices, not a set of feelings. You can feel intensely in love with someone and still be self-seeking, easily angered, keeping records of wrongs. The feeling isn’t the measure. The practice is the measure.
This reframe does several things. It takes the purity conversation out of rule-keeping and puts it in formation: what is this relationship doing to who I’m becoming? Is it forming me toward the practices in 1 Corinthians 13, or away from them? That’s a more generative question than “how far is too far,” and it actually engages teenagers’ genuine capacity for self-reflection.
It also honors the fact that some of the most formative relational dynamics in teenagers’ lives are not romantic. The friendship that calls you to be more honest, the family relationship that teaches you to forgive, the mentor who invests in you without expecting return — these are also love in the 1 Corinthians 13 sense. Relationships and dating is about all of that, not just who you’re going to homecoming with.
On physical and sexual boundaries: 1 Thessalonians 4:3–6 is clear that sexual purity is part of God’s will, framed as sanctification (becoming more fully yourself in God). The wisdom of Song of Songs — don’t awaken love before its time — is not repressive; it’s protective. Sexual intimacy between teenagers tends to accelerate emotional attachment before the relational foundation is built to support it, and the pain of those ruptures is real. The boundary is not arbitrary; it’s in service of the same thing as 1 Corinthians 13: love that actually forms both people toward something whole.
Discussion Questions (10–12 minutes)
- “Looking at the 1 Corinthians 13 list — if that’s the standard, is any relationship you have living up to it? What would it take to get closer?”
- “What’s the difference between liking someone and loving them in the 1 Corinthians 13 sense? Can you have one without the other?”
- “What do you think it means to ‘guard your heart’ in the context of dating? Is there such a thing as guarding it too much?”
- “How do you know if a relationship is bringing out the best in you or pulling you away from who you want to be?”
- “What’s something you wish the church talked about regarding relationships that it usually doesn’t?”
That last question is the one to leave the most room for. The answers will tell you a lot about what your students actually need to hear. For facilitation strategies when the conversation goes somewhere unexpected, see How to Lead a Teen Small Group.
Activity: The 1 Corinthians 13 Audit (8–10 minutes)
Draw a simple grid on the whiteboard: the 1 Corinthians 13 qualities down the left side, and three columns across: “I do this well,” “I’m growing in this,” “This is hard for me.”
Ask students to fill in their own personal version on an index card (not to share). Then ask: which one quality, if you grew in it, would most change your relationships right now?
Ask two or three students to share their answer to that last question if willing. The audit is private; the observation is shareable.
Application: Take-Home Practice
This week: Pick one quality from 1 Corinthians 13 that you marked as hard. Try to practice it once, deliberately, in one relationship before next week. Then come ready to tell someone what happened.
If your group uses Ori, assign a five-day reading plan on love and relationships: 1 Corinthians 13, Ruth 1:14–18, Proverbs 4:20–27, Song of Songs 2:1–7, and 1 John 4:7–12. Students can reflect in the app and share observations within their group. Ori’s student discipleship tools let you track engagement and follow up personally — try it free for 14 days.
Leader Notes
You will almost certainly have students in the room who are currently in relationships — some healthy, some not. Avoid any framing that shames students who are dating or who have been sexually active. The goal is formation, not condemnation. Students who feel judged will not return to this conversation.
If a student discloses something concerning — an abusive dynamic, sexual coercion, or significant risk — follow up one-on-one and know your reporting obligations. This topic has a higher likelihood than most of surfacing pastoral care needs.
Frequently Asked Questions
Should I address hookup culture directly?
If your students are in that world, yes — but name it accurately rather than moralizing. “A lot of the relationship culture you’re surrounded by is built on the premise that physical intimacy doesn’t mean anything. Scripture says the opposite — it means something significant. That’s worth thinking about.” That’s engaged without being shaming.
How do I handle different views within the group on dating standards?
Anchor the discussion in the character qualities of 1 Corinthians 13 rather than specific behavioral rules. Most parents and most traditions can agree that a relationship should be characterized by patience, kindness, honesty, and mutual growth. Start there.
What about students who are LGBTQ+?
This is one of the most sensitive areas in youth ministry. 1 Corinthians 13’s teaching on love applies universally regardless of orientation. How your tradition handles the theological specifics of same-sex relationships is a conversation to have with your leadership and in the context of your church’s doctrine — not resolved in a footnote in a lesson plan. What every student deserves is to be treated with the love described in 1 Corinthians 13 in your youth room, period. For more on this, see How to Engage Gen Z in Church.
Is this appropriate as a single lesson or does it need to be a series?
This works as a standalone lesson, but a 3–4 week series gives you room to go deeper: Week 1 — What is love? (1 Cor 13). Week 2 — Boundaries and wisdom. Week 3 — Breakups and loss. Week 4 — Relationships and your relationship with God. A single lesson plants a seed; a series builds real formation.
Love Is a Practice, Not Just a Feeling
The most useful thing you can give teenagers about relationships is a different measuring stick. Not a list of rules, but a set of practices that a person of genuine character brings to every relationship they’re in. 1 Corinthians 13 is that standard — and it’s demanding enough to grow into for a lifetime.
Your students deserve to hear that in a place where they feel safe enough to actually think about it.
Keep the conversation alive between sessions. Ori’s discipleship tools give you a structured way to follow up with students personally after a lesson like this one. Try it free for 14 days.